missing bobby

Yesterday I had to make a really hard decision.  It wasn't a decision I ever really wanted to make.   

Bobby has been with me since the summer before my senior year of college.  That was 1996.  It seems like another lifetime.  He was one of the really cool cats.  Everyone loved Bobby - not just "cat people" but everyone.  He was known to win over a dog lover or two with his ability to play fetch.  Over the years, he has always been there.  He was with me through a breakup, a move to the west coast, 6 homes, a wedding, two kids, two other cats, plenty of drama, lots of excitement...really, my whole adult life.  I remember thinking when he was kitten that he would be alive long enough to see me have children.  At the time, it was unfathomable.  Funny how life just happens and the days pass and then here we are...at an ending.

As for the specifics, he died of renal failure.  I guess it isn't that simple though.  About two months ago, we got his blood tests back and the vet spoke to me about cats & bad kidneys.  For some reason, I still expected him to pull through and live for years.  I bought him the special food and made sure water was always available as the vet suggested.  On top of the poorly functioning kidney, he had an issue with a tumor in his ear which we were symptom treating.  You could tell it was painful.  He spent a lot of time sleeping and resting under the coffee table.  Everyone once in a while, he'd cuddle up on my lap.  He had changed in the past months...I realized that I had an old cat.

Three days ago, I couldn't find him.  I noticed he hadn't touched his food since morning.  Rowan told me he had been under her bed.  He had stopped eating and drinking.  He couldn't walk without falling over.  I knew in my heart it was the end.  Strangely, I wasn't sad...after all, he was old and had a good life.   He was a cat and I always knew there would come a day when he would die.  I went to bed that night honestly thinking he wouldn't make it until the morning but somehow, he did.

I brought him to the vet and they said I could try to give him another round of antibiotics for the ear issue (the drops weren't working) and then we could put him on IV fluids and hope he gets better.  The vets version of what it meant to "get better" was not, at all, better.  What I realized at that point is that he wasn't really going to get better.  Sure, I'd have some more time with him.  But, he would have most likely still been in pain, he wouldn't be able to go outside, he might not have even been able to walk (and certainly no jumping).  He's a cat.  What kind of life is that for an animal?  So, I did it.  I held him with they gave him the sedative...and then while they gave him the injection to stop his heart.  There was one last big breath and then I cried.  And cried.  All day, I cried for him.

I was surprised at my sadness, at my anger (why the hell didn't the vet tell me it would only be months?), my regrets (why did I push him off my lap?  why didn't I love him more?  What happened after the kids were born?  how could I be so selfish and not give him the love he deserved?), and my guilty feelings (okay, good - no more pets, no litter, no cat hair).  It was a hard day.

Today Eric and I buried his body in the back field where our new house will be.  It felt good and gave me some closure.  There will always be a special place in my heart for Bobby.  He lives there now.  He was a good cat...oh yes, a very good cat. 

So, yes, Bobby, rest in peace.  We will miss you here.  And, for the record, I wish I had loved you up a bit more before you left.  It's my one standing regret.  You taught me an important lesson (that I thought I knew - perhaps I just needed a reminder?): love 'em while you got 'em...yes, LOVE them. 

the last photo I took of him