being second

I've been thinking a lot about being second - as in, being the second child.  I've always thought that being the first born had all the advantages: you get to do everything first, you have those first few years alone without a sibling to soak up all the parental energy, you get to be the boss (to this day, I still boss my sister around), and you don't have to wear hand-me-downs.  The discovery of parenthood and all that it brings with it is mind blowing.  Awe, amazement, excitement, wonder, expectation, marvel, beauty, discovery...fear, worry, and even some guilt.  Being first, you are the center of all of that.

When Charlie was first born, I was surprised that I felt the same awe in his newness as I did when Rowan was born.  It wasn't less....no, not less at all.  In fact, it was maybe even more.  You have the experience, you know the type of parent you want to be, and you are well aware that babies are strong and resilient.  You get relish in their littleness and really soak it in.  This was especially true for me since I knew Charlie was my last baby.  He gets watched, cuddled and carried just as much as his sister did.  I don't sweat the small stuff (it's somehow okay for him to walk around with his pacifier on those days he is sick or just out of sorts and I don't freak out if when I find him eating a candy cane at 18 months old) and I have so much more patience.  I am in constant amazement of him - and am discovering just as much about parenting (and myself) as I did the first time around.  I didn't know there was so much to learn!  And then, he starts out having a sister.  An attentive, loving, caring, nurturing, sweet sister.  Yes, there is something very special about being the second born. 

Over these last few months, I have watched as the relationship between Rowan and Charlie has become magical.  When I say magical, I really mean magical.  They have something special that exists between them and I hope it lasts forever.  They way they play, the way Rowan holds Charlie when he is sad, how excited Charlie is to see Rowan when we pick her up from school, the special & unique way they communicate with each other, the way he looks up to her and the way she protects him...it's different than anything I could give to either of them.  I know the value of a sibling - I have a sister and she part of me, part of who I am and who I have become.  She is even part of me as a parent.  Our relationship is priceless and means more to me than I can explain.  Watching your kids develop that relationship is incredible...it brings me comfort, amazes me, and warms my heart.

The funny thing is that I never felt a need to have a second kid to provide a sibling for Rowan.  I wanted a second child for me, for us...that's always what I imagined when I thought about having a family.  Now that I have two kids and have watched them grow together, I can't imagine not giving Rowan the gift of a brother.  No, I can't imagine that at all.  And that second kid, in many ways, is a first too.  He's a gift to this family and with him, we are complete.

the day they met

dark becomes light

The winter solistice was expecially remarkable this year.  On the shortest, darkest night of the year, the moon was darkened just a little more.  A total lunar eclipse.  I was lucky enough to see it.  Awakened from a deep sleep, I stumbled out in the snowy cold to see an orange moon at the perfect time.  WOW! 

Happy Solstice...let the light shine.

snow troubles

Oh wow.  I'm in trouble.  BIG trouble.  Yesterday was our first family ski day of the year (well, besides the tour around the neighborhood in the much loved and very rare city snowfall).  We packed up the car, drove to Mount Baker (which had just received a foot of new snow on top of a 3 foot base), put on our warm clothes and headed out on the slopes.

I can't say I felt like I belonged there.  My boots felt like lead bricks on my feet and the slide down the snow felt foreign.  I realized after just two short runs that I have some serious work to do this season.  First, I need to lower my expectations.  I used be a good skier...yes, it's true.  I'm not sure what standards this "good skier" I am referring to is compared to...but, I felt confident and had fun so, in my book, that's a good skier.  Yesterday, I felt lucky to make it down in one piece.  I had forgotten (briefly) that I hadn't skied in two seasons - last year I was injured and the year before that I was 7 months pregnant.  So when I started down the hill that first run, I was expecting more than my body was able to give me.  So, I'm starting over...next time I head up to the mountain I'm going to take it easy.  Spend time getting used to the snow again and I'll be patient with myself. 

The second thing I realized is that it is not a good idea to ski with your glasses underneath your goggles in a snowstorm.  It doesn't work.  At all.  Glasses off and goggles on, goggles off and glasses on, glasses and goggles on.  Nope.  Next time, I'll be wearing my contacts.

The other reason I'm in trouble?  It's not going to be long before I can't keep up with Rowan.  She's incredible out there!  Her first runs of the season were impressive - back and forth down the hill, total confidence, ready to go (snowstorm and all!).  I loved watching her...this is going to be an exciting year on the ski hill for her.  She got 10 runs in yesterday - more than any of the rest of us!

Charlie spent the day saying "side...skeee...go...roro" - he was enjoying the snow too. 

All in all, it was a good day.  I can't say that I felt that way yesterday but, after having some time to reflect, I decided that the day was a success.  We had fun, I learned a few things, and we spent a winter day outdoors.

giving thanks together

What better place is there than at home, with family and friends?

wandering outside in the new fallen snow

a cross country ski in the neighborhood

cooking with just enough butter

a little time for crafting

afternoon snowman building

dinner at last

cold legs?

I like to wear skirts.  The damp, bone chilling cold of the pacific northwest makes it hard to pull on tights & a skirt instead of my cords & knee high socks in the morning.  And it's not even winter yet.  I need warmth - the wool long john type of warmth minus the saggy bottom and $100 price tag.  Okay, so I'm a bit picky...I want warmth that is good looking, inexpensive, and comfortable.  Well, lucky me - I found it!

Take two wool or cashmere sweaters from the thrift store, cut the arms of each sweater, sew one arm from each sweater together to make legs. Then take the legs and sew them onto a pair of boy cut undies - bam! - you got some nice, affordable, warm long underwear.  And, they even have a fun look to them - don't ya think?

I made two pair - one merino wool and one cashmere.  I used XL or L sweaters for the top of the leg and S or M sweaters for the bottom.  They are incredible.  Warm, soft, and comfortable.

missing bobby

Yesterday I had to make a really hard decision.  It wasn't a decision I ever really wanted to make.   

Bobby has been with me since the summer before my senior year of college.  That was 1996.  It seems like another lifetime.  He was one of the really cool cats.  Everyone loved Bobby - not just "cat people" but everyone.  He was known to win over a dog lover or two with his ability to play fetch.  Over the years, he has always been there.  He was with me through a breakup, a move to the west coast, 6 homes, a wedding, two kids, two other cats, plenty of drama, lots of excitement...really, my whole adult life.  I remember thinking when he was kitten that he would be alive long enough to see me have children.  At the time, it was unfathomable.  Funny how life just happens and the days pass and then here we are...at an ending.

As for the specifics, he died of renal failure.  I guess it isn't that simple though.  About two months ago, we got his blood tests back and the vet spoke to me about cats & bad kidneys.  For some reason, I still expected him to pull through and live for years.  I bought him the special food and made sure water was always available as the vet suggested.  On top of the poorly functioning kidney, he had an issue with a tumor in his ear which we were symptom treating.  You could tell it was painful.  He spent a lot of time sleeping and resting under the coffee table.  Everyone once in a while, he'd cuddle up on my lap.  He had changed in the past months...I realized that I had an old cat.

Three days ago, I couldn't find him.  I noticed he hadn't touched his food since morning.  Rowan told me he had been under her bed.  He had stopped eating and drinking.  He couldn't walk without falling over.  I knew in my heart it was the end.  Strangely, I wasn't sad...after all, he was old and had a good life.   He was a cat and I always knew there would come a day when he would die.  I went to bed that night honestly thinking he wouldn't make it until the morning but somehow, he did.

I brought him to the vet and they said I could try to give him another round of antibiotics for the ear issue (the drops weren't working) and then we could put him on IV fluids and hope he gets better.  The vets version of what it meant to "get better" was not, at all, better.  What I realized at that point is that he wasn't really going to get better.  Sure, I'd have some more time with him.  But, he would have most likely still been in pain, he wouldn't be able to go outside, he might not have even been able to walk (and certainly no jumping).  He's a cat.  What kind of life is that for an animal?  So, I did it.  I held him with they gave him the sedative...and then while they gave him the injection to stop his heart.  There was one last big breath and then I cried.  And cried.  All day, I cried for him.

I was surprised at my sadness, at my anger (why the hell didn't the vet tell me it would only be months?), my regrets (why did I push him off my lap?  why didn't I love him more?  What happened after the kids were born?  how could I be so selfish and not give him the love he deserved?), and my guilty feelings (okay, good - no more pets, no litter, no cat hair).  It was a hard day.

Today Eric and I buried his body in the back field where our new house will be.  It felt good and gave me some closure.  There will always be a special place in my heart for Bobby.  He lives there now.  He was a good cat...oh yes, a very good cat. 

So, yes, Bobby, rest in peace.  We will miss you here.  And, for the record, I wish I had loved you up a bit more before you left.  It's my one standing regret.  You taught me an important lesson (that I thought I knew - perhaps I just needed a reminder?): love 'em while you got 'em...yes, LOVE them. 

the last photo I took of him

bread

I can finally write about baking bread now that my oven is fixed and my home is once again filled with the amazing smell of fresh baked bread.  I've been doing without bread, cookies, pies,  roasted veggies, and homemade granola for well over three weeks now.  Honestly, I think I missed the act of preparing baked goods more than I have missed eating them.  My kitchen is overflowing with squash, beets, and potatoes from our CSA food subscription so now it's time to start eating my fall favorites.  I digress...

...so yes, back to the bread.  Let me start by saying this is an incredible discovery.  I am so thankful to my neighbor for letting me borrow her bread book ("it's my bible so I need it back in a week at the most").  Two loaves and three days later, I ordered my own copy and patiently awaited it's arrival.

The book: Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day (Jeff  Hertzberg & Zoe Francois).  The title didn't grab me - "yeah right" I thought, that's not possible.  Artisan bread?  In 5 minutes?  You mean, yeasted bread that is both good and easy?  Sure, I have made "easy" bread before but honestly, it wasn't that good nor was it really that easy.  And yes, I have done the whole sourdough thing too - it's great bread (amazing really) but too much work, especially when you have two young kids underfoot.  But, it's true, this bread is delicious and incredibly easy.  Yup folks, we are going to be eating our fair share of fresh, homemade, delicious bread around here.

People have asked for the recipe.  The thing is, you really need the book.  Check it out...and if you are a neighbor, I might just let you borrow it.

our halloween in photos

the pumpkin

the tiger

the autumn sparkle fairy

trick-or-treat

treat for sure (her first pixie stick!)

FIVE

Five cheers for my beautiful girl - she rocks my world!

Dear Rowan,
On your fifth birthday, I am reminded of the day you were born.  The day that changed me forever.  It seems like yesterday and a lifetime ago all at the same time.  I barely remember what my life was like without you in it. 

At five years old, you are an incredible image of life.  It's impossible to summarize all the things that make up the wonderful and magnificent Rowan...but here are a few of my favorite parts of you...

• You love to create.  You'll spend hours painting, stamping, gluing, cutting, taping, building....creating things for yourself, your friends, and your family (though, you are certainly more into the process than the finished product).
• You enjoy being active and learning to move your body in new ways.  You have been practicing your headstands recently (getting close!) and this summer you learned to hula hoop.  You can't wait to go skiing this winter.  You scare the crap out of me when you ride your bike down the hill by our house (so fast!). You hiked 5 1/2 miles (twice!) this summer.  You have been practicing flips on the trampoline. Oh - and the new favorite - monkey bars...you've certainly got those wired!
• When it comes to learning, you are a sponge.  Right now, you are learning to add.  You can add 5 + 2 and 4 + 6 and even 7 + 12.  When we are on long car rides, you'll say "mom, can we do math?" - yes, Rowan, we can!  Just recently you have been experimenting with what happens when you have 5 peas and you eat 2.  
• You and Charlie have the most amazing relationship.  It's been incredible watching your relationship with him grow this past year.  You truly enjoy playing with him and involving him in every aspect of your life.  You have fun together, you protect him, he looks up to you. 
• Your favorite afternoon activity is having playdates with friends.  You'll play for hours and typically prefer to play with just one friend at a time.  You like to pretend - your favorite games are "mama-baby" and "hospital." 
• Like most kids your age, you live in the moment.  It's all about right now...not tomorrow, not yesterday, not later.  It's refreshing for us adults...after all, "now" is all we really have.  What a great teacher you are.
  
• Last, but not least, you are a good listener (yes, really!), you have respect for other people, and you are usually impressively patient.

Here's to 5 years of wonder, adventure, love, spunk, and magic.  

How did I get so lucky?

falling into fall

For the past few weeks, it's been amazing around here.  The air is crisp, the sun is shining, and the small amount of rain we have gotten has felt cool and clean.  I. Love. Fall.







One of my favorite fall time activities is apple picking.  I have fond memories of this from my childhood....climbing trees and silently eating apples while watching the people below me fill their buckets.  Macintosh.  Yum.  Apple after apple.  Drinking cider in the barn before piling into the car and heading home to bake mass amounts of apple pie.

Apple picking isn't quite the same out on the west coast in 2010 as it was in Vermont in 1985.  Oh no....not even close.  There are about 20 different varieties of apples to choose from (at one single orchard), the trees are pruned for easy picking (which means you can't climb them), you can actually drive around the property in golf carts, and you don't even need to pick the apples yourself (in fact, they prefer if you buy a bag to go).  Although quite different from how I remember it as a kid, it still remains a necessary fall time outing.

A quick house update...

...because everyone keeps asking.

Everyday, I drive by the construction site at least once.  It's so fun to see it happening (finally!) and I just can't resist.  Today there were probably 10 people working on various things around the site.  The job of the day (as it pertains to our particular home) was slinging rock into our foundation.  Early next week they should be pouring our slab.  I can't wait until they are framing! 

The best part?  THEY.  That's right...they are slinging rock, they are pouring our slab, they will be framing.  Not us.  Nope, not us.  We are busy too, however.  We are busy making decisions on things like flooring, wall finishes, door handles, cabinet layout, counter tops, lighting...the list goes on.  Those decisions, my friends, are certainly fun to be making!

foundation prior to the "rock slinging"

Ginger Biscuits

Okay, so they are actually scones but I can't stop calling them biscuits.  I think it has to do with the fact that I like biscuits better than scones (and I like scones).  The fact that I keep calling them biscuits is an indicator of how much I love these little treats.

A bit of history on the recipe...
About six years ago, I went on a search for the perfect scone recipe.  About a year and many many scones later, I found it.  As time has gone by and I have gotten more confident with my baking skills, I have modified the recipe to suit my needs & desires.  I almost always make cranberry orange or blueberry scones.  A good friend recently had a baby and I wanted to make some scones for her and her family.  I thought they would be perfect because they are not too sweet but sweet enough, a little bit healthy (at least compared to a cookie...we are talking snacks here), and can be eaten anytime of day (before breakfast, between meals, after dinner...after all, we need to keep those mama's fed!).  Her flavors are not cranberry and blueberry...her flavors are lemon and ginger.  No lemon was to be found so I went with the ginger.

At this point, I *think* I can claim this as my own recipe.  I have changed at least 3 ingredients and have modified amounts.  Anyone know the "official" rule on that?  Anyway...without further ado...

Ginger Scone Biscuits

3 cups flour
1 T baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 stick cold butter
1 cup chopped crystallized ginger
1/2 cup sugar (plus a bit more for the top)
2/3 cup plain yogurt or milk (I use yogurt)
1 egg

Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda, and salt in a large bowl.  Cut in butter with a pastry knife or fingers until it's a fine meal.  Stir in ginger and sugar.  In a separate container, beat egg and mix in yogurt.  Add yogurt and egg mixture to dry ingredients.  Mix just until a dough begins to form (do not over mix).  Knead the dough a couple of times on a floured surface.  Pat into a rectangle about 1/2 inch (or perhaps 3/4 inch) thick and sprinkle the entire rectangle with sugar.  Cut into squares and place on a cookie sheet.  Bake at 400 degrees for about 10 minutes (until they are just turning brown).

Two important notes
1. Don't over mix (did I already say that?).  The less you handle the dough, the flakier the scone will be.
2.  I like them best when they stay soft after they cool.  To achieve this, you will want to really watch how long you cook them and try to catch them before they start browning.  It's harder than it sounds because they often brown on the bottom before the top so it takes a bit of guesswork.  This doesn't always work out for me and I'll tell you...they are still delicious if they are browned a bit.

simple laptop bag

A while back, Eric asked me if I could make him a small protective case for his work laptop.  Well, yes, of course!  Another project to add to the queue.  Finally, after months of putting it off and then forgetting about it completely, I managed to create this simple little padded bag.  It's a bit big but he wouldn't let me fix it and told me it was perfect (perhaps he was worried it would take another month or two even though I assured him that it would only take a minute or two).  At any rate, it should do the trick!

The best part is that I am finally getting good enough at sewing that I did this without any pattern at all (and it even has a zipper!), didn't make any mistakes, and finished it in under and hour.  Oh, and I didn't need to go to the fabric store either.  A complete success!

cheese please!

Homemade mozzarella cheese.  I've been wanting to make this since I read "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" by Barbara Kingsolver about 2 years ago.  She makes it sound so easy.  And, honestly, it is pretty easy - in the same way that making bread is easy.  It requires you to be home for a few hours and to be good at waiting.  The recipes say it takes 30 minutes but really, it takes more like 2 hours.  Or perhaps, it just takes me 2 hours. 

You start but curdling milk with citric acid and rennet (sure, those ingredients might sound exotic or perhaps frightening, but they are easy to find at any natural food store). You have to pay close attention to the temperature of the milk to make sure it curds at the right temperature.  Then you drain out the whey and put the curds in the microwave (you want to heat it so that it becomes stretchy - I think there are other ways to do this but the microwave is fast and easy). Then you start kneading it...this is when it starts to look and feel like cheese.  Add salt and you are done.  Mozzarella.  Better than the store bought stuff too!

All the requirements were met: it was delicious, I had fun making it, and it costs less then the store bought stuff.  But, for me, it's a special occasion thing...you won't find me making my own cheese every week.  It wasn't that I didn't like it or enjoy it but I'd rather spend my time doing other things.

done in time for fall

I love knitting because you can create something that will keep you warm out of a simple piece of string.  I love the juxtaposition of simple and meditative motions that can be challenging and complex.  I love it's portability. And, most of all, I love it when I finish something that I can wear!

This summer I knit my second sweater.  It's called the Shalom sweater (pattern on Ravelry for free).  I made some modifications which was brave considering I'm new to sweater making.  I added 3/4 sleeves and didn't do the waist shaping.  It took me a while to figure out the modifications and I had to get some online help from a couple ravelry folks.  Luckily for me, it turned out perfect.  Well, of course, there are a few mistakes here and there but overall, I love this sweater.  No, I really love this sweater.  I love it so much that I am considering making another one in a different color.

 photos by rowan

A memory of a summer day

Here I sit on this rainy night.  So rainy.  Not yet cold but wet, dark, and oh-so-reminiscent of fall.  I can smell it - the change of the season is lingering in the air.

WAIT!  STOP!

Before we go there...let's celebrate summer just a bit more shall we?

We were berry pickers and jam makers this summer.  Fingers were stained, bellies were filled, treats were baked, baskets of goodness were delivered to friends.  Then, after we could eat no more, jam was made.  We made strawberry, raspberry, blueberry, and peach.  Along the way, I learned some things.

• making jam is easy the second time
• using the right pectin is worth it (my favorite is Pomona's Universal Pectin - it works well low sugar or when you are using alternative sweeteners)
• it is better to make small batches of different types as the particular fruit or berry comes into season than to do the huge batch of one type (coming from the girl who is quite tired of last years blueberry jam)
• it's worth it to pay the extra money for organic berries
• kids can help (yes, truly help) and it makes it so much more fun to share the experience with someone 

all dug up

We went over to our property today to romp around in the dirt.  I've walked by everyday this week but I don't feel comfortable really looking around when they are working...especially when I have the kids in tow.  All the homes have been staked out (ummm, why does it seem so small?), two of the house sites have been excavated (ours will be next week), there are piles of dirt everywhere, and they have prepared the construction entrance.  It's a beautiful mess.

looking north

looking south

We spent some time digging with our "golden shovel" and checking out the equipment.

shhhh...don't tell them we let the kids in there

breaking ground

Lots of people have been asking me about this...and lots of people already know the news.  THE GOOD NEWS!  But, I will share it here because who doesn't love hearing good news (even if it is the second or third or fourth time)?

The second appraisal came in close enough for the bank to approve the construction loan for our cohousing project.  As soon as it became official we scurried around to sign the mounds of paperwork and went to City Hall to pick up all the permits. This past weekend the excavator rolled in and started grinding up trees and digging up dirt.

We are all giddy with excitement.  It is finally happening.  This isn't just building a house - it's way bigger than that.  This is building a community.  The massive amount of time and effort all of us have put into this is already worth it.  Watching this become a reality...i can't really explain it (my oh my!). After thinking for a while that it might not happen and completely "checking out," we are all of sudden going full steam ahead.  I'm still adjusting.  Each day that goes by, I get more excited about our new house, our new neighbors, this way of living that makes so much sense to me, to us.  Sure, it's different and some say it's rather risky but we are going for it...and boy, are we excited!

Eric watching the excavator break ground

As Eric says: Getting this project going was like pushing a giant boulder up a HUGE hill.  A few times it threatened to crush us.  We finally reached the top of the hill and now we are running like hell trying to keep up.

It's amazing watching it come to life after all the talking, dreaming, and planning.  Obviously, I'll keep y'all posted as we move forward and start building.

Finally

Well, yes, I am here.

I have been doing things, dreaming things, making things...things I have thought so often to share on this blog.  I can't exactly tell you why I haven't because I can't quite figure it out myself.  Maybe it's the fact that my sister took back the computer she was letting me borrow, maybe because it was summer and I was spending so much time outside & away from home, or maybe it was just because I was living...in the moment...something that I sometimes find challenging.  Regardless, I realized that a strange thing happened to me this summer.  I didn't take many photos (my camera is still "full" from our 4th of July trip to the east coast).  I wasn't checking email a gazillion times a day.  I missed friends posts on facebook.  I talked on the phone more (gasp!).  I went off-line for a bit.  And man, did it feel GOOD!

Now I am back. After all, it is *almost* fall and the rain is coming, as are the early dark evenings.  The kids are going to bed earlier.  Eric is back to work.  Routine has set in.  I'm feeling crafty!  So, get ready...perhaps now I will share all those things I have been doing, dreaming, and making.

playdough

One rainy day not so long ago, Rowan and I decided to make playdough.  I've made playdough once before and, in all honesty, it came out awful.  The color was dull, it was more tough than stretchy, and it smelled funky.  It lasted about 2 days and I threw it out.  This time, I consulted the web before I did anything and found a ton of recipes.  Here's the one I used:  

Playdough
3 cups flour 
1 1/2 cups salt
3 cups water
2 TB vegetable oil
1 TB cream of tartar*
1-3 drops lavender essential oil
Food coloring


* I didn't have any cream of tartar on hand.  After a quick online search, I learned you could substitute vinegar.  I put in a bit more essential oil to cover up the vinegar smell.


Mix ingredients in a large saucepan and cook over medium low heat - until the dough comes away  from the edges of the pan and it becomes difficult to move the spoon. Remove from heat. Cool until it can be handled. 
Turn the dough out onto a clean counter or silicone mat, and knead vigorously until it becomes silky-smooth. Divide the dough into balls for coloring. Make a divot in the center of the ball, and drop some food coloring in.  Fold the dough over, working the food color through the body of the playdough.  Store in an air tight container.

The key to nice looking play dough - use LOTS of food coloring.  No, don't be shy.  The key to nice smelling play dough - lavender essential oil.  And the key to great texture - cooking it!  Who knew? 

happiness is....

sun kissed skin
sandy toes
cliffs full of climbs
laughing boy
giggling girl
sand dollars & seashells
living here...